I recently wrote a blog about how someone in my life objected to something I wrote in this blog (thankfully that issue seems to have been resolved.) I’d expected someone to eventually take issue with the way I portrayed them or their loved ones in this blog. Previously someone insulted me in a nasty manner because of opinions I expressed on this blog. I’d expected that to happen too. What I did not expect to happen was for a Facebook friend to publicly chastise me for posting a blog that had absolutely nothing to do with them but that’s exactly what a former Facebook friend of mine we’ll call Dick decided to do yesterday.

The day before yesterday I posted a Facebook status about a certain difficult situation I’ve been facing in my life. Dick responded to my status by chastising me for posting about the situation on Facebook and for writing a blog related to the situation a little over a month ago because he felt that posting about the situation could potentially have negative consequences. I did not want to deal with any more obnoxious comments from Dick on that status and I decided better safe than sorry so I deleted the status and adjusted the privacy settings on the blog he referenced.

Dick just couldn’t let it go though. The next day he posts a status saying that you do not own what you post on Facebook and that you should not post anything on your wall that you would not yell at the top of your lungs in a lunch room. He also says that you should not delete anything you post on Facebook or on your blog because attempting to cover your tracks by deleting makes you look bad, it does not wipe all traces of your post from the internet and that people who want to find the information can still find it if they know where to look. He mentioned that he had searched for a recently deleted WordPress post and had found it through the internet archives.

Dick is certainly entitled to his opinion and if that’s the standard he wants to hold for his own internet postings that is fine. That is not the standard I hold for my internet postings though. I post plenty of stuff on the internet that I would not scream at the top of my lungs in a lunch room and I do not feel bad about doing so.  I occasionally delete things I’ve posted. I feel it is my right to do so and I feel that sometimes it is the best choice for me and for other people. I realize that deleting my posts does not necessarily delete all traces of them from the internet and that determined stalkers will still be able to find them but deleting posts makes it a lot harder for the general public to find them.

The problem is that Dick seems to think he has the right to dictate what other people post on their own blogs and Facebook pages. Dick seems to think that his word is law, his opinion is a universal truth and that anyone who does not post according to his standards is wrong and worthy of scorn.

His status did not mention me by name but it seemed obvious that he was referring to me. When I asked him if his status referred to me he confirmed that it did. I replied that I found it rather rude and creepy of him to write a passive aggressive status announcing that he was stalking my blog. He then proceeded to reveal the details of the situation I’d posted about on my blog and Facebook on his own wall. The fact that he did that shows that he really was not at all concerned about the potential negative consequences revealing my situation on the internet would have for me or anyone else.

Then he gave me a condescending lecture about how he’s right and I’m wrong complete with ridiculous, nonsensical  reasoning that shows how overinflated his ego is.  Apparently he has the ability to read my mind and knows that me deleting anything is an admission of my guilt. He also knows that the entire world and all of Facebook would agree that he’s right and I’m wrong. He threw in some references as to how the law was on his side and how I was responsible for all reactions people have to my writing.

I had no idea the world and Facebook had one unanimous opinion and that that opinion is that Dick is always right. People delete things all the time for reasons that have nothing to do with guilt. I do not agree that a writer is responsible for all the reactions others have to their writing. There are a lot of crazy people out there and people can have all kinds of bizarre reactions  that the writer could never have anticipated. The reactions people have to the writing of others are not always fair or justified.  The actions people take as a result of the writing they have read are not to be entirely blamed on the writer. The reader shares at least some of the blame.

All of this is not to say that you shouldn’t exercise some caution and discretion when it comes to the details you reveal online. If someone is genuinely concerned for you or someone else, I do not think it is out of line for them to suggest that you not post about certain situations or limit the details you share. However, when someone is not genuinely concerned about you, when they are just concern trolling you for the sake of being arrogant and judgmental in an effort to make themselves feel superior, that rubs me the wrong way.

If that blog or that Facebook post do get me in trouble I’m about 95% sure it will be because Dick himself tried to stir up drama over it and cause trouble for me. He would be responsible for that but I’m not sure Dick is capable of taking responsibility for his actions or admitting he did anything wrong.

Dick and I exchanged some harsh words. Then his friends showed up to say they were getting out their popcorn. I did not want to be a source of entertainment for Dick’s friends so I said my final words, bowed out of the conversation and blocked Dick. Dick is clearly invested in stalking me across the internet and judging the things I post so he may find a way to stalk my profile despite being blocked but at least I won’t have to look at his obnoxious comments on Facebook anymore.

I have no doubt that Dick is continuing to read this blog and continuing to judge me for the things I choose to post. He may be posting negative things about me somewhere on the internet but what he thinks of me is none of my business at this point.

A lot of people tell me I’m brave for posting the things I do on this blog. I imagine a lot of people think I’m stupid for posting the things that I do. Sometimes the line between bravery and stupidity is a fine one. I’m guessing about 90% of what I post on my blog is generally considered inadvisable to post on a public blog and it’s certainly not anything I’d yell at the top of my lungs in a lunch room. I realize that I’m putting myself at risk with some of the things I post and that some of the things I reveal may result in negative consequences for me. I’ve also seen and imagined the actual and potential positive effects this blog has or could have on myself and others. I’ve decided the risk is worth it. Only I get to make that call. No one else does.

Sometimes I may delete things I’ve posted. That doesn’t necessarily mean I feel guilty about the things I posted or that I regret posting them in the first place. If I do actually feel guilty or regretful about posting something, I maintain that deleting is the right thing to do.

I’m sick to death of feeling like I have to defend the things I choose to post on the internet but the truth is I don’t have to defend myself and I don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification for posting, not posting or deleting anything. I just feel compelled to defend myself when I’m attacked or criticized by the dicks of the internet. However, I realize that arguing with them about what I shouldn’t or shouldn’t post or delete on the internet is as much of a waste of my time and energy as them trying to dictate what other people post is a waste of theirs.

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81 thoughts on “I didn’t know this would happen

  1. You are brave and I believe you are helping people! I hate jerks like that. I was married to one for 20+ years. The only correct opinion was his. Sad, insecure, gaslighting little man. Your words, just like your life are your own and you can choose to share or not share. Dick should get a life of his own and quit worrying about yours! 👍💫💞🌻💌🌴😎

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good evening! I’m a friend of Dick’s who watched the conversation unfold yesterday and today. I hope you’ve both found something to learn in the aftermath.

    What occurred there and here would make a fascinating case study for classroom use, with names removed, and I’m sure you’ve seen a bump in readership following your posting last night, as I’m certain I’m not the only person who discovered this blog through the exchange. Thank you for your writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, controversy is great for blog traffic. I cannot deny that. I like blog traffic but not if it comes with trouble for me. If any more of Dick’s friends want to comment on here, I request that they not make any references to the details of the original situation. Those comments will not be approved.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think the details will be a problem here, even though screenshots are available of the whole incident both on Facebook and on Dick’s website.

        It’s a fascinating situation, right down to the nicknames you two chose for one another in posting about it after the fact.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, I ‘m sure you know why I chose to call him Dick. Why the hell is he posting screenshots on his website? He’ s coming across as a mentally unhinged creep and I’m feeling kind of scared now. I certainly did not want to be a case study in whatever kind of experiment he’s conducting or lesson he’s trying to teach. What he’s doing is sick and unethical. Why doesn’t he use a colleague or student as his test subject instead of picking on someone who’s vulnerable and made the mistake of trusting him as a Facebook friend?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello. FoD referred me after seeing this.

    Many people witnessed the conversation, which remains on his wall and his site, which is both good and bad.

    He has expressed remorse for the tone of what he said but there was a factual basis in everything posted and I’m wondering where the conversation might go. What he probably should have said up front, and that you didn’t grasp from the conversation; is that he has a terminal degree (I believe) in media studies, or at the very least a masters or equivalent. He has taught extensively at the higher ed level on the subject and in his day job, has national respect within his field for exactly this subject: internet footprints and consequences of social media and media exposure.

    He also is a journalist who has written for one of the largest news sites in the world under his own name and a non de plume, and has a following.

    This wasn’t a conversation on equal footing, I suspect, which doesn’t reflect well on either of you. I don’t know how you two know one another, but from a cursory glance of your blog, I suspect your not a work colleague or former student of his, as many of us are. Those don’t seem to be arenas of your life.

    In any case, as FoD said, let it be a learning experience.

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    1. I may not know as much about media as he does but I’m not an idiot and it was not okay for him to speak to me as though I was. I am not disputing any of the facts he brought up. Choosing how much information one reveals in their writing or on the internet is a personal choice and I wish he had more respect for the personal stances of others even if he disagrees with them or thinks them foolish. No, I am not a colleague or student of his and I do not appreciate him trying to make a case study or lesson out of my personal situation. I find his level of investment in what I’m posting and what I’m deleting to be creepy.

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      1. Of course you’re allowed to find anything you like creepy, just as the rest of us are able to draw our own conclusions and act accordingly.

        I think the point made was harsh but factual. He mentioned that he’d seen a domestic situation similar to one you described (in respecting your wishes and being as vague as possible) that had grim legal repercussions for a neighbor of his and what she considered a member of her family. And on that he was pretty spot-on. It’s very hard to protect or hide content, especially if someone knows it’s out there or how to look for it. And without a super simple Creative Commons license, there’s debate even if you might own what you write on a platform online, even here on WordPress.

        Like

      2. So he’s trying to make me suffer the same grim repercussions as his neighbor by calling attention to a blog that I set to private and posting about my situation on his wall and his website? He has greatly increased the chances of me suffering negative repercussions through his actions.

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  4. Dear FoD and I Know Dick,

    I know you are both Dick. Stop posting to this blog. You’re transparent in your snooty tone and need to get in the last word. Try harder or don’t try at all. It’s pretty sickening. Oh– BTW, I’ve screenshotted everything “all” of you have ever written here and on FB and am making it public on my website, using all your names. Ta!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, greetings, they weren’t poets by me, but my friend (let’s call her Dickette) has been keeping an eye out.

      I’m not too much of a…you know…to post here under my own name. And we’re not Facebook friends, Elecin. Or maybe we are. I have some lapses in judgment on that front occasionally. Ta!

      Like

      1. Well, I’m glad you have friends who know all about the details of your impressive credentials and who can notify you so quickly of comments that have been left on this blog! When I clicked on your site it said “Site not found.” Surely you didn’t delete it? Are you going to share the link to the website where you’ve posted screenshots of our Facebook interactions? I’m dying to know what nickname you gave me. You are forgiven for your lapse in judgement. We all have them. I certainly had one when I friended you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hey Jonathan,

        I have some questions.

        1. Why are you so fucking creepy?
        2. Why are you pretty much stalking Kira?
        3. Why do you suck.

        Answer honestly.

        Like

  5. i don’t use WordPress anymore, as I decided long ago to own my words, figuratively and literally. They’re on a site I pay for and can control. I thought it was important to show my face and be accountable here. My account of this is on a Ttumblr I use without direct identification. No one knows who is who.

    There are a few hundred people watching this elsewhere via comments and likes. You’ve seen how I’ve used social media in the past. Drawing others into a legitimate debate is a skill, and that debate continues on Facebook despite your opting to remove yourself from it.

    There has been no name calling on my part. You’ve got a post above that is a clear admonition of a threat against me from you, and that’s, as I said yesterday, a legal incontrovertible. Facts don’t stop being facts because you don’t like definitions. “Stalking” is more than a word. It’s a charge. And it’s one that hasn’t happened here. You published your thoughts. As I said a few days or weeks ago when you took a pretty admirable stand on a separate issue, be prepared as a writer to face consequences for what you publish. And make no misrake: it’s as published and actionable here as it would be if printed in the paper.

    Also, I Know Dick: I don’t have a terminal degree, just an MA, and a couple of Guardian articles don’t count.

    The nickname was “Elsa.” I have a swap out ready to go, to maintain anonymity.

    Similarly, I really regret your friend request last fall, for what it’s worth. But I was warned. Boy howdy.

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    1. Dear Jonathan,

      You are a loser and a failure. Also a stalker. Also a weird Jesus freak or something. Give it a rest and suck some dick for Satan.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I siting here with a cup of tea and a good book as you call me names, actually harass me, and spout profanity. All as Kira approves your comments,

    Like

  7. PS

    You’re place of employment is listed on your Facebook. Stop posting screenshots of Kira. Stop being a bully. Stop being annoying. If you do not, I shall be contacting your job and complaining about the creep that harasses women online.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can’t make threats like that against a person, in print, online. Especially when the action is untruthful.

      That’s a big and scary quagmire.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. What are you gonna do about it? I should get a whole group together to complain about you. And you won’t do shit. You don’t even know me. I will ruin you. I’ve ruined bigger and better. Fuck off or you’re done.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Okay, the limp-fisted, infantile bombast of that one made me laugh.

      “I guess you can’t expect any better from a bald headed ginger bitch.”

      That’s the anthem of this Kiracracy, I suppose. With a melody adapted from ‘Deutschland Uber Alles’ and a knitted sampler of Donald Trump to whoever sings loudest.

      Like

      1. Oh, give it a rest. Just admit you are a failure of life. Using big words won’t make you any better. You will still be a bald headed ginger bitch- and an ugly one at that. Is that why you are so mad and creepy? Because the mirror cries every time you look in it?

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Holy crow! Sorry to rope you into this again, JLE. People are crazy mean when they think the internet is a safe place to spout hate and smugness.

    Head up. See you tomorrow.

    Like

  9. Ouch. I’ve been okay with my hairline for a long time. I never realized being bald was a character flaw or something to be ashamed of. I really appreciate the additional insight on that formerly nebulous topic.

    Like

  10. Good lord. I just saw a full body shot of you. Head to toe, you are a complete nightmare. I almost feel bad but with that shitty little temperament of yours, you deserve to look like that.

    But a word of advice… get pants that hide that foopa.

    Like

    1. “The really discusting stomach-type thing you see fat people have that cover’s they’re whole entire groin area. Often referred to as front butt or front vagina. May also be referred to as Foop.”

      Like

    1. Is your mom on meth? I saw a picture and she looks like she’s tweaking pretty hard.

      Will anyone ever love you?

      Will anyone ever find you attractive?

      How many cheeseburgers do you eat in one sitting?

      Please teach me. I want lessons too.

      Like

  11. Ok guys, this has been fun but I suggest we all go to bed and end this. We’re not doing ourselves any favors by continuing this. I can be mean and immature when people piss me off but I actually don’t approve of outright cruelty or insults about ones’ weights or looks. These comments do not reflect well on us and it’s not the kind of discourse I want to have on my blog. I may be deleting some of the more vicious insults even though I know they can still be found.

    Like

  12. When I feel safe again after what’s happened here, it’ll be bed time. I have to do the unfortunate things that happens when someone actually harasses you (name calling) and stalks you (finds pictures and insults your family, appearance, and threatens your place of employment).

    None of that was broached by me. But now it’s a thing I need to deal with, thanks to this.

    Like

    1. Oh stop crying. I don’t care that much about you. Trust me- you’re not that important. And everything I said- It’s all public on your Facebook. Man up.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. You wanna talk shit, post screenshots, get your friends to comment on Kira’s blog… but you can’t handle anyone snapping back. Learn to leave people alone and fuck off.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. What are you gonna do- call the police because someone on the internet called you ugly? Track me down and sue me because I made you feel “unsafe”.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You’re not allowed to say anything you want about a person in public. Libel, slander, and threats are actual violations of actual laws.

    Like

  15. Good grief. The title of this blog is even more appropriate now. I need to figure out how to turn off the commenting for this post. Can you guys please take this conversation somewhere else if you must continue it? I don’t feel like getting my WordPress account suspended over comments that violate community standards or whatever.

    Like

  16. You did a great deal more than that, I’m afraid, and I’m working though the steps of it tonight and tomorrow with WordPress and enforcement authorities.

    Like

    1. You’re telling me to delete something? That’s ironic. No, I’m afraid giving you the psuedonym of Dick and saying you have an inflated ego does not qualify as hate speech.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Not you, your friend, it was just a recommendation.

    A support case was opened. As my family and livelihood was threatened, above, I’ll be following up with Princeton Jct. and/or Plainsboro as needed,

    Like

  18. I haven’t threatened your family or your livelihood (which is curious given how often you post about not being part of the workforce) and I won’t. I criticized how you use the internet, respectfully and within the bounds of the terms of service of WordPress. And you encouraged and created a space whereby one of your friends said horrific things.

    I’ll do what it takes to protect my family. I’m not talking about a lawsuit as much as involving law enforcement.

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    1. So I’m going to get arrested because my friend made mean comments to you on my blog? Wow, if mean comments on the internet an imprisonable offense, I could send a lot of people to jail.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. No, but this will escalate until I feel safe. I’m not afraid of you but you’ve got a friend who is very comfortable lobbing awful things from behind anonymity that will be compromised.

    Like

  20. Oh, I missed that not being part of the work force comment. That was a nice touch. I have no idea what that has to do with anything or what the purpose of that comment was other than to be condescending and make a low blow, which seems to be par for the course with you.

    Like

    1. You mentioned I threatened your livelihood; I’m doing my part to keep things clear and factual here. I didn’t do that, and wouldn’t do that, regardless, but it’s not an actual thing in this instance, as the term is defined. Mentioning that you don’t currently have a job isn’t a low blow; I’ve been unemployed in the past for stretches and I haven’t lobbed a single threat at you; I’m not going to attack you for something like that, ever. Or anything, come to think of it. I’ve been on the defensive since your first antagonist post on my wall yesterday.

      Like

  21. I learned a long time ago to not run away from bullies, and that includes you and your friend, whose gender you curiously know.

    There are absolute facts, Kira. When you accuse and threaten someone, and invite others to the conversation, know what you’re doing and liable for. Your friend’s got multiple incidents of hate speech above, at least one of which was willingly approved by you before the comment went public.

    Like

    1. You told me that a blog I wrote and a post I made on Facebook could result in death and negative consequences for me and my family. You scrolled through my Facebook page to see if I’d deleted that status. Then you scrolled through the archives of my blog to see if I’d deleted a blog from over a month ago. Once you saw that I had you searched for that deleted blog in the internet archives until you found it. Then you made a status announcing that you had found that blog of mine and you revealed the details of that blog on your wall. Then your “friends” came to my blog to announce that you were posting screenshots of our facebook interactions on your “website” and your “friend” re-iterated that a blog like that could result in the death of a loved one. Then when my friends came to defend me you provoked them and stayed in a situation you could have easily have left and claimed to feel threatened by them so that in addition to terrifying me with the prospect of losing a beloved family member because you had called the internet’s attention to a blog I tried to make private, you could also intimidate me with threats of lawsuits and law enforcement. And then you have the nerve to accuse me of being a bully? We all see through your bullshit. You are a very sick, sad man and you need serious help.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure you can figure out what I mean if you think hard enough. You’re a smart man. You’re not going trick me in to revealing details. I’m trying not to engage with you but it’s hard. Please fuck off and leave me alone. Uh oh, now i’m going to get sued and thrown in jail because fuck off is hate speech and a threat! You may be an expert in media but you clearly don’t know shit about law. I’ll have to talk to my friends who are lawyers about the claim you’ve made.

      Like

    1. Telling me a bully when you’re the one who’s a bully-projection, reaction formation, lies, gas lighting, emotional manipulation and narcissim all rolled in to one. I”ll think good thoughts for you too and I’ll be happy to stay way from you. Please return the favor.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re throwing around buzzwords that you know nothing about. You can’t just accuse people of things because you want to say the words. Words and actions have meanings,

        Like

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