Top ten things that are pissing me off right now

1. Sexist men telling me to smile-I posted this friendship anniversary thing on Facebook that showed the profile pictures of me and my girl friend.  This guy comes along and says “You both need to learn to smile, it goes a long way”.  I told him he needed to learn not to make inappropriate comments on womens’ social media pictures, it goes a long way.”  He wasn’t smiling in his profile picture either but of course it’s only women who need to smile to please men. This guy said he didn’t understand why I was so angry over such a simple thing when he was just pointing out that smiling would make us look better and if I had a problem with him I should unfriend him.  I took that last suggestion of his. Bye Felicia.

2. People who are judgmental of suicide victims on National Suicide Prevention Day- I saw all these nice, thoughtful, supportive blogs on suicide, which I appreciated but then I come across this blog where someone says they consider many people who commit suicide to be cowards. Their rationale was that people who commit suicide have low self confidence and self worth and people who have low self confidence and self worth are cowards. They used to believe all people who committed suicide were cowards but then they had a gracious change of heart and decided it’s only the suicide victims who didn’t just reach out for help that are cowards. If they did reach out for help, their loved ones are to blame for their death.  This blogger then assured people contemplating suicide that things would get better and offered a listening ear to those who are struggling. I guess the fact that judgmental attitudes like theirs are what prevent depressed people from ‘just reaching out’ is lost on this blogger. But hey, what do I know, I have low self confidence and self worth, so therefore I’m a coward.

3. Evil stepfathers who steal my dog from me- Lily is gone for the next few days and I miss her. The bastard doesn’t deserve half custody of her and sharing custody of a dog is stupid anyway

4. People who just don’t give a fuck about spelling or grammar- If you’re going to insult me you can at least use proper spelling and grammar when you do it so you don’t look like even more of an idiot than you already do. I know there are people who think spelling and grammar don’t matter on Facebook but I don’t understand how people can have the same attitude about WordPress. How am I supposed to take what you’ve written on your blog seriously when it’s making my eyes bleed?

5. People who deflect from the issue at hand by attacking me with irrelevant bullshit- I’m trying to explain to this guy on Facebook that there are sound ecological reasons for not allowing dogs in certain nature parks and the rules aren’t just in place to ruin his fun when he decides to bring up a completely unrelated  traumatic incident that happened between me and him more than 10 years ago. He claims that I was the one in the wrong then when he was actually the one in the wrong but that incident had nothing to do with anything anyway. Grumpy grudge holding guy got unfriended just like sexist smiley guy did and his grammar was just as bad.

6. Hypocritical Nazi apologists who tone police me-This is  an example of someone unfriending me rather than the other way around but she acted as though I was the one who unfriended her, telling me that I should realize that politics doesn’t define a person, that you can still be friends with someone when you disagree with them politically and condemning someone else for unfriending her over her political views.  She then blocked me because I was “unnecessarily angry and hateful” towards people I disagreed with. Excuse me for getting angry over gross violations of human rights and for not playing nice with racists, homophobes and Nazi apologists. It’s cool to be sympathetic towards grammar Nazis. It’s not cool to be sympathetic towards actual Nazis.

7. The word ‘unnecessarily’- It’s a good word but it’s a bitch to spell and after complaining about people with poor spelling and hypocrites, the pressure was on me to spell it correctly in this blog post.

8. The way everything on the internet is a fucking slideshow these days-Ain’t no one got time for that.

9. People who say to people who are unable to work due to illness or disability “It must be nice to not have to work”-  To these people I say “It must be nice to not be ill or disabled.”

10.Donald Trump-Just fucking everything about him. He’s a disgrace to this nation. In fact, he and the kind of mindset he and his followers exemplify are also responsible for many of the other items on this list.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this unnecessarily angry list of mine and that you also enjoy this picture of me not smiling.

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Prickle (or That Time I sat on a Cactus)

We all know that cactuses are prickly but as a child I learned through firsthand experience just how prickly their prickles are, especially if they get you in an area that’s, uh…tender.

When I was seven years old I had a cactus of my own.  I don’t remember how I obtained this cactus but if I had to guess I’d say my father gave it to me.  He had a green thumb as well as a tendency to give strange gifts.  Some of the pets I kept in my room did not fare so well but this cactus seemed to do okay.  I kept it on my windowsill so that it would get plenty of sunlight and I watered it occasionally. To the extent that it’s possible for a cactus to be happy and to the extent that it was a possible for a child as prickly as me to be happy, I’d say my cactus and I were happy with each other.

Then disaster struck.

You know that nursery rhyme about the little monkeys jumping on the bed? I was familiar with that nursery rhyme as a kid but I did not appreciate it for the cautionary tale that it was and the consequences I suffered as a result of my foolishness were far more unfortunate than a bumped head. Ultimately it was more humorous than it was tragic though.

I’m not sure if those monkeys were clothed when they jumped on the bed but since they were monkeys it didn’t really matter. I, who was often more monkey-like than human-like, was jumping on the bed in my underwear. I’m not sure how to explain what happened next or if it even can be explained by the laws of gravity or physics but I’ve always been a klutz with a talent for injuring myself in bizarre ways.

Something went wrong on one of my jumps and I ended up falling off my bed and crashing on to my windowsill. Crashing in to a windowsill could have been painful on its own but do you remember what was on my windowsill? My cactus.

My underwear ( which never tends to fit me well to begin with) slipped down during my ill-fated jump, allowing my bare butt to make contact with the cactus. Suddenly my rear end was on fire with a thousand pricks.  I cried bloody murder.

My mother came dashing in to the room, her eyes wide with alarm and her voice filled with concern.

“What happened?”

I..I…sat on the cactus!”

“You… you.. what??!”

I pointed to the cactus on the floor with it’s cracked pot and scattered soil.  Then I turned around to reveal a butt that must have resembled a porcupine’s.

“How…how did you do that?’

“I was jumping on the bed..and..I fell and hit the cactus!’

“You shouldn’t have been jumping on the bed. ”

“Ahhh..oowwww..it hurts!”

“Ok..um..we’re going to have to take those cactus needles off of you”

“No, that will make it hurt more!”

“Well, we can’t just leave them in your butt!’

“I hate this!”

“I know you do. Come here.”

“This isn’t funny!”

“I know it’s not funny.”

“Then why are you laughing?’

“It’s just.. hold on, let me get your father.”

Upon examination of my butt, my father determined that those cactus needles were wedged in pretty deeply and tweezers would be needed to get them out. He returned with tweezers and set to work on my butt as my mom held me. My parents knew I was in pain and embarrassed so they tried to be kind and sympathetic but they couldn’t help but crack a few smiles and let out a few chuckles.

I can’t say I blame them. It was funny.  All these years later it makes for an entertaining story. How many people can say they sat on a cactus?

I don’t remember what became of that cactus after all its needles had been removed from my butt but I’m guessing I removed it from my windowsill and looked on it less fondly.

A few months ago while on a walk I came across a giant cloth cactus that a neighbor had left by the curb. I hadn’t had a cactus since the butt pricking one I had as a child but I was intrigued by this cloth cactus that I knew would be much softer on my rear end should worst come to worst. I considered taking it home. My mom said to forget about it. It could be infested with fleas, cockroaches or god knows what else. I knew she was right. It wasn’t worth the risk and that incident with the butt pricking cactus was enough for me. I’m set for life in terms of bad cactus experiences.Image may contain: plant, outdoor and nature

via Daily Prompt: Prickle

Blogger Stereotypes

Phil Taylor of the blog The Phil Factor wrote a blog about blogger stereotypes. He asked his readers which of the blogger stereotypes they fell in to and if they could come up with any more stereotypes. I said I fell in to the humor blogger stereotype ( A lot of my blog is serious but contains dark, self deprecating humor. I certainly don’t fit in to any of the other stereotypes listed) and came up with my own list of blogger stereotypes. Phil said I’d nailed enough categories to write a whole other post. Of course as a stereotypical humor blogger I think I’m just hilarious and want my readers to fawn over my comedic genius so I’m publishing my blogger stereotypes list on my own blog. Enjoy!

The blogging awards blogger: Always posting about blogging awards they’ve won, nominating other bloggers for awards and inviting bloggers to nominate other bloggers.

 

The ‘I’m too busy to blog’ blogger: They don’t post much anymore but once a month or so  they pop up to say they’re sorry for not blogging but they’ve just been so busy lately.

 

The ‘Sorry not sorry’ blogger: They write a blog post that offends someone and the next day they write a blog saying “I’m sorry you were so sensitive that you were offended by what I said and that you’re too stupid to understand what I meant by it.”

 

The ‘Social media is the devil’ blogger: They talk about how they’ve quit social media and it’s the best thing they ever did.  They’ve realized you’re a pathetic human being if  you enjoy getting likes and follows on Facebook, if you have to post all the details of and pictures of your life on Facebook. Meanwhile they’re tracking likes and follows on their blog and posting more details about their life there than anyone ever does on Facebook.

 

The vague blogger: They post about something that’s upsetting or angering them but you don’t know what the hell they’re talking about because they don’t explain the situation. I’ve been guilty of that myself.

 

The humblebragging blogger: They post about how many posts they’ve written, how many likes, follows, views, visitors and comments they’ve gotten but of course they just want to say how surprised they are that their blog took off so quickly and thank all their readers and followers for making this all possible and giving them this amazing opportunity.

Image result for it used to be that people got mad if you read their diary, now they get mad if you dont

 

Book and movies re-imagined in the Trump era

Dave Astor of the blog Dave Astor on Literature recently wrote a blog post in which he imagined how classic literature titles could reflect what’s going on in this disruptive Trump era.  He asked readers to come up with their own ideas in the comments section. I came up with a list of books and I further expanded it to include movies:

The Idiot: The biography of Donald Trump

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The story of the 2016 election

Much Ado about Nothing: The investigations in to Hillary’s alleged crimes

The Importance of Being Earnest: The self help book Trump really needs to read

Breakfast at Tiffany’s : The story of Trump’s other daughter

Of Human Bondage: The story of what went on in those Russian hotel rooms

A Clockwork Orange: Trump’s guide to skin care

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves: The aftermath of the 2016 election

A Visit from the Goon Squad: Trump appoints his cabinet

Little Women: The makeup of Trump’s cabinet

The Vagina Monologues: Grab ’em by the pussy

Never Let Me Go: A plea from Obama

Hard Times: The state of the economy under Trump

The Awakening: How Trump voters finally realized they’d made a horrible mistake

Atonement: Is it even possible for Donald Trump?

Dumb and Dumber: The story of Donald Trump and Mike Pence

Beauty and the Beast: The marriage of Donald and Melania

True Lies: Alternative Facts

Cruel Intentions: The story of how Trump bullied, threatened and humiliated everyone who disagreed with him.

Dangerous Liasons: Trump and Putin

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels: The Republican party

A Few Good Men: What the Republican party desperately needs

Despicable Me: Trump’s moment of self awareness

Girl, Interrupted: Elizabeth Warren takes the senate floor

Can’t Hardly Wait: Counting down the days until Trump leaves office

Half Baked: Trump’s plans for the presidency

Three Men and a Baby: From Clinton to Trump

Dazed and Confused: The night of November 8, 2016

Apocalypse Now: November 9, 2016

Fools Rush In: January 20, 2017

Some Like It Hot: Why global warming is no bigly deal by Donald J. Trump

Clueless: Those who think President Trump is a good idea

The Human Centipede: Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and all the other spineless creatures of the GOP with their heads up asses.

I Know What You Did Last Summer: We’re not letting this Russia thing go, Donald.

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