I usually try to put some kind of positive spin on the miserable things I write about on this blog but today I won’t be doing that. Today I’m just going to admit that I’m really struggling emotionally and that I feel really helpless and hopeless.
Where do I begin? Well, I’ll start by saying that despite my very youthful appearance, I’m actually 33 years old. Wow, that’s an odd preface for explaining why I’m horribly depressed but bear with me. At 33 most people have or have had a job, a partner and/or kids. I know not everyone has all of those things but everyone I know has at least one of those things.
Then there’s me. I have no job now nor have I ever had a job. I’ve only had one boyfriend in my life and that was over a decade ago. I have no children. I live with my mother and I stay at home alone all day while she goes to work. I have no drivers license and little access to money. These days I spend much of my time either crying or sleeping.
I’m not sure if the intense fatigue I’m experiencing is caused by my depression but my depression certainly makes me want to give in to the fatigue. I know sleeping until 2:30 in the afternoon is not a good thing to do but it seems like there’s little point in getting up when I’m just going to cry and feel depressed and isolated.
Of course if I don’t like my life I should change it but I feel powerless to change it. I’ve worked with three different job counseling agencies that specialize in finding jobs for people with disabilities but none of them have been able to find me a job. I avoid entry level jobs like cashiering not because I think I’m too good for those kinds of jobs but because my disability means those jobs are too difficult for me. There just isn’t a market out there for people who are 33 and have no job experience.
I do volunteer work and I consider it valuable but I don’t care what anyone says, it’s not the same as having a job. I want to have the satisfaction of knowing I can provide for myself financially. I want a place I can go to from 9 to 5 every day and the social connections that come with it. I cannot help but feel deeply ashamed of the fact that I’ve never had a job.
I’m also ashamed of the fact that I’m a 33-year-old virgin but that doesn’t mean I want to hook up with just anyone. I want a life partner but I’m never in situations where I’m likely to meet anyone and I don’t think I’m very attractive as a mate when I’m unemployed and live with my mother. I can’t stand the thought of advertising myself on an online dating site when I have such low self esteem and when I know so many creeps hang out on those sites.
I know that I’d make a terrible mother but that doesn’t change the fact that I desperately, desperately want a child with every ounce of my being. I don’t begrudge anyone their happiness but it’s really hard to log in to social media and be bombarded with baby pictures, pregnancy announcements and birth announcements from my friends, just like it’s hard to listen to people talk about their kids, their partners and their jobs. Why aren’t I good enough to have the things that everyone else has? Why am I so uniquely defective that I cannot achieve even one of those things? It’s horrible to feel so triggered by people just going about their ordinary lives.
I know comparison is the death of all joy and I know everyone does things on their own timeline but I want those things for myself because they sound like amazing, fulfilling experiences, not just because everyone else has them and I’m left with little hope that I will ever achieve those things on any timeline. Fertility doesn’t last forever and society seems to have decided that since I didn’t get a job according to the proper timeline, I’m not worthy of ever having a job.
No one is going to make me feel better by telling me about all the negatives that come along with marriage, parenthood and employment. I’m aware of those negatives. I want those things anyway because the positives outweigh the negatives. I don’t need people who have a job, a partner or kids telling me it’s okay to not have those things. Obviously they wouldn’t really feel okay not having those things because they pursued them for themselves and they don’t know how devastating it is to be my age and not have any of those things. I’m also not under the impression that having those things would suddenly make my life perfect.
I don’t need people affirming my self worth by reminding me that I’m a published author or that I graduated from college or that I’m doing so much better than I was before. All of those things are true and I’m proud of all those achievements but they cannot make up for the gaping hole that is left in my life by not having a partner, a job or kids. It’s just really, really hard to want those things so badly and feel powerless to achieve them. It’s really, really hard to feel left out of a club that everyone’s a part of and to spend your days in loneliness and isolation. I’d like to think I’m not alone but I feel very alone. I do not know of a single other person in my situation.
I feel imprisoned by a past I cannot change and I can only see my loneliness, my longing and my depression getting worse in the future. My time to have children will run out and the people I care about will die, while I’m left miserable and alone, watching everyone else’s lives go by, longing for a world I can’t have.