Confess

via Daily Prompt: Confess

I must confess that even though I hate it when people claim that someone is too high functioning to be autistic or not autistic enough to count or truly suffer, I am a perpetrator/victim of that kind of thing myself, at least in my own head.

I don’t feel comfortable saying that I’m autistic or have autism. Instead I say I’m on the autism spectrum. What essentially is the difference between being on the autism spectrum and having autism or being autistic? I’m not sure that there is one but somehow saying I’m on the autism spectrum feels safer and more appropriate.

Maybe if I emphasize that autism exists on a spectrum, I’ll protect myself from the judgments and accusations of others. Maybe they’ll realize that autism doesn’t just encompass people who are intellectually impaired, have limited use of language and are smearing feces but people like me who are able to express themselves eloquently, go to college and pass for neurotypical. Maybe I won’t get told that I don’t seem autistic or that it’s impossible for me to have autism.

Maybe if I emphasize that autism exists on a spectrum it will be understood that every autistic person is different, that if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. Maybe I won’t be compared to other autistic people, maybe I won’t be told I’m using autism as an excuse.

But if I’m being honest those kinds of judgments and accusations aren’t just coming from other people but from me. They’re directed towards myself and towards others. I don’t voice such opinions about myself very often and I rarely voice such opinions about others on the autism spectrum but they exist in my head. They’re often fleeting thoughts that I challenge, that I push away and that I’m ashamed of but they exist nonetheless.

For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that I was somehow different from most other people and not in the ‘everyone’s special and unique” kind of way. I knew that I had some kind of disability, that I was at some kind of disadvantage, that I was somehow wired differently. Everyone who got to know me realized this but for my entire childhood no one considered that I could be autistic and it never crossed my mind that I could be autistic either.

In those days the general views and perceptions of autism were pretty narrow. Autistic kids were only those kids who didn’t talk, didn’t make eye contact and were entirely off in their own world. There was no way a child who was as verbal and eloquent as I was could be autistic.

Even though the perceptions, classifications and diagnostic criteria have changed since I was a child, even though today plenty of people who express themselves eloquently proudly (or not so proudly) call themselves autistic, I still have trouble shaking the original stereotypical perception of the autistic person. It’s ingrained in my mind and it’s a person that isn’t me. “I’m autistic”, “I have autism”-when I try to make those words flow from my tongue or my fingers I feel like I’m wearing a coat that doesn’t belong to me and I want to take it off.

Logically I really disagree with the notion that ‘high functioning’ and ‘low functioning’  autistic people are so fundamentally different that they have no common ground and should not advocate for one another, that high functioning autistic people never suffer in the way that low functioning autistic people do ( and I have issues with the high functioning and low functioning labels existing in the first place.) I will readily and vociferously argue against anyone who holds such a viewpoint.

And yet… there’s a part of me that feels that viewpoint is right and that I don’t have the right to share the label of autism with someone who is unable to speak, that I haven’t experienced life or suffering in a way that’s comparable to how they’ve experienced it.

I’ve experienced that feeling in the opposite direction too. There have been times when I’ve read the blogs of people who call themselves autistic and thought “Fuck you! How dare you call yourself autistic and claim that you’ve suffered as a result of your autism! You’re not as disabled as I am! You have a job, a partner and kids! I can only dream of having those things!”

The fact that I’ve experienced that thought in both directions-that I’ve felt that I’ve suffered both so much less and so much more than other people who are labeled autistic is perhaps a good argument for why we shouldn’t try to put autistic suffering or any suffering for that matter on some kind of ladder or hierarchy.

Today my mom’s friend told my mother that a friend of hers had a six-year-old grandson that was diagnosed with autism. She said that he flaps and she remembered that I flapped as a child too. A hint, a suggestion, a validation that other people see me as autistic, perhaps a nudge towards feeling comfortable thinking of and referring to myself as autistic.

My mother informed her friend that I still flap. There was a moment of awkward silence on the other end of the phone.

It was a moment where I could have either laughed or cried. I chose to laugh.