I was looking at my New Years Resolutions for 2018 and I see that I failed miserably at nine out of ten of them. Yet I consider 2018 to be my most successful year ever.
The one resolution I did keep was to go back to college but I did even better than that. I graduated from college. Doing so well on that resolution was part of the reason I did so poorly on my other resolutions. Who has time to read one book a week and write three blogs a week when they have a bunch of reading and writing to do for school? Maybe people with good time management skills do, but time management has never been my strong suit.
I’m okay with failing at most of my goals this year because I achieved goals I was too afraid to set and wouldn’t have thought possible. I was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul and I got a job at a daycare center. The Chicken Soup for the Soul publication was a dream come true and gave me some real bragging rights. Getting a job at a daycare center probably doesn’t sound very impressive, but for me it was a big deal because I feared I was unemployable.
In addition to my paid work, I’ve gotten involved in some amazing volunteer work. In 2018 I started facilitating support groups for grieving children, providing online educational correspondence to prisoners, and blogging for a tiger sanctuary. I also continued with my ESL teaching and tutoring and my blood donations but unfortunately I fell short of my blood donation goal because my last blood donation of the year was a failed one. The phlebotomists tried so hard to get my blood but their efforts were in vein (I just crack myself up sometimes!)
I’m proud of all my accomplishments and they make me happy, but unfortunately I can’t say I’ve been happy overall. New Years Eve and New Years Day were miserable for me and I shed a lot of tears. I suffer over the things I want but don’t have and don’t know how to get. It’s painful to see all my peers getting married and having kids, while I remain a 33-year-old virgin. While I was happy to become a published author, I feel frustrated over all the writing of mine that gets rejected. While I was happy to get a job, I get upset when I’m unable to perform my job tasks adequately and I’m reprimanded by my co-workers.
The last few months of 2018 were an emotional roller coaster. There were periods where I was hysterical and hospitalization/ECT were considered. Then the next day my outlook would shift and I would feel fine. Sometimes changes in my mood would be precipitated by life events, but I think a lot of it had to do with medication changes and the shift in the seasons/weather.
I often feel worthless and inadequate when I compare myself to other people but I’m trying to live by the mantra that comparison is the death of all joy and the only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday. I’m certainly a much better person today than I was “yesterday”. Here’s to becoming an even better person in 2019. I’m sure 2019 will be a rollercoaster as well. May it have more ups than downs and may impossible yearnings become possible realities.