I’ve discovered that it’s only a matter of time before I become every annoying, obnoxious type of Facebooker I can’t stand and swore I’d never be. I rolled my eyes at people who posted tons of selfies. Now I’m known as the selfie queen. I scoffed at people who posted pictures of their food. Now most of my desserts are photographed before they’re eaten. I didn’t understand why people felt the need to post pointless uninteresting statuses such as “My nose itches”or “It’s hot out today”. Now my statuses include “I love ice cream” and “Lily is a very good dog”.
The social media trend that bothered me the most was vaguebooking. Urban Dictionary defines vaguebooking as an “Intentional or unintentional vague or ambiguous facebook status message, which people have no clue as to what the heck you are talking about.” I considered vaguebooking to be attention seeking nonsense and I had the utmost scorn for anyone who engaged in it. The way I saw it you should either say what you were talking about or say nothing at all.
Well, I’ve now been bitten by the vaguebooking bug and I understand the motivations for engaging in it. Sometimes, for whatever reason, it’s unwise to reveal the details of the situation you’re facing on the internet but it’s having such a profound effect on you that you want to give your friends some indication of what’s happening and the resulting emotions you’re feeling.
All of the vaguebooking I’ve engaged in has been a variation on one overarching theme in my life, a situation that has been causing me emotional distress for several years. The first time I vaguebooked about it, my friend Dick, who you may remember from a previous blog, called me out on it. A lot of people are annoyed by vaguebooking and a lot of people gripe about it but most people do not do so publicly on the walls of their vaguebooking friends. However, as you may also recall, Dick is rather abrasive and lacking in tact. He responded to my status with “Um, less vaguebooking please. What happened?” When I told him I wasn’t giving any more details he busted out some ridiculous simile that involved having sex on the floor of a condom factory (Of course Dick later criticized me for revealing too much information on Facebook, which goes to show that you just can’t win with the dicks of the internet.)
Most of my friends are not as rude or pretentious as Dick so they don’t publicly chastise me for my vaguebooking but I feel so self conscious that I publicly apologize for it. My most egregious instance of vaguebooking was when I wrote a status that said “Help help help”. As expected, that status got me “What’s going on?” and “Are your okay?” responses. After assuring everyone that I was okay, I deleted the status.
Up until yesterday all my vaguebooking statuses had been negative ones. I had expressed my anger, frustration, sadness, fear and disappointment. The other day I posted that it sucks when a good day turns bad. When someone asked if I was okay I replied that I was just disappointed that the thing we’d talked about yesterday hadn’t worked out (and that I was vaguebooking in such an obnoxious manner.)
I had gotten news that indicated that the thing I was hoping would happen wasn’t going to happen. A few days later it ended up happening after all and I made my first positive vaguebooking status. I said I was feeling joyful and posted every joyful, celebratory emoji I could find. I then wrote “Please savor my happiness, ask no questions and excuse the vaguebooking.”
Clearly I’ve now become such a fan of vaguebooking that I’ve ventured in to vagueblogging. Even though most of you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, I hope you’re all happy for me (And don’t worry, the details of the situation will be revealed soon enough.)