I said in my last post that I know what it’s like to be hurt by comments made about you online and boy do I ever. A lot of nasty things have been said about me online. They all came from the same place so I should have just quit that place before they fired me but I didn’t because I was stubborn. Now I’m left with something resembling PTSD from a place that can’t stop making nasty comments about me now that I’ve been gone for more than a month. To be fair I obviously can’t stop making negative comments about that place and some of the people there either.

Even when I tell myself the nasty comments made about me are more of a reflection on the people making them than they are on me, they still hurt. Some of the hurtful comments are so juvenile and ridiculous they’re kind of funny. One person told me I was just bird noises in the bathroom in reference to her 9-year-old autistic stepson who makes bird noises in the bathroom. What made that comment even funnier is that she told me I should behave better because I’m an adult, not nine. I think the last time I was compared to a bird (because I flapped my hands) was when I was 9 years old by my 9-year-old peers.

This was someone who had not posted on that forum in a very long time. She came back to tell me that I was the reason she left that forum and to tell me about her stepson who’s on the autism spectrum and has behaviors that are annoying as shit. To be honest I don’t feel all that bad about driving away someone who comes back  to a forum just to use the behaviors of an autistic child to insult an adult on the autism spectrum. Someone told her that her bird noises comment was very mean spirited and she said that she didn’t see how it was any more mean spirited than the other comments telling me I was annoying.

It was more mean spirited than the comments that just told me I was annoying because while I don’t make bird noises in the bathroom, I do have some physical tics/stereotyped movements that I’m sure this person would find annoying as shit. As annoyed as people are by my online behavior and as much as people insult me online, at least online they cannot be annoyed by my tics and they cannot insult me for them. Therefore it’s pretty damn hurtful to be told by someone who can’t even see my tics that despite all the witty, intelligent, insightful comments I’ve made over the years, in her eyes I’m nothing more than a tic associated with autism.

A stepparent being annoyed by the tics of a stepchild who is on the autism spectrum is also a scenario that hits very close to home for me. People on that forum would say my stepfather was an asshole because of the things he said to me and yet some of the things that were said about me there were similar to things he’s said about me. I don’t know why those people doubted that my stepfather is as mean to me as I say he is. If they need proof that people really can be that mean they don’t need to look very far.

It hurt to be told I was using autism as an excuse and it hurt to be referred to as Ms. I have autism even though such statements came from people who clearly didn’t have a clue about autism, people who had said that when they were a kid no one was autistic and these days parents were looking to find something wrong with their children, resulting in kids that were just a bit quirky and naughty receiving an autism diagnosis. There were a lot of self appointed autism experts on that board. If only they realized that knowing some people on the autism spectrum doesn’t make them any kind of authority on the subject.  As the director of the residential program for young adults on the autism spectrum  that I attended said “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

When I said that I thought someone’s behavior at a funeral might be related to traditions at southern funerals I was told that I was Yankeesplaining to people who live in the south but it was fine for people to ablesplain to me that my own behavior had nothing to do with autism. It hurt to be told that I’d made no effort to try to change my behavior when I had made an effort.

It hurt to have a quality of mine that had always been regarded as an asset-my good memory-turned in to a defect, something that made me a creep and a danger to the community. It hurt to be told that I relied on the board to form my opinions for me, that the opinions I did express must have been taken from another board, that I’d experienced a decline in my mental abilities. It hurt to be called an imbecile.

It hurts to be told that I need to get a life and a job especially when I’ve tried to get a job but have been unable to find one, even with the help of special service agencies. It hurts to hear that people can’t believe I’m as old as I am, that I seem like a teenager, especially when I’ve never made my age a secret. It hurts to see signature lines that are digs at me and the people who defend me.

It hurts to be accused of deliberately trying to upset, annoy and anger people especially when I knew people were deliberately trying to do that to me. It hurts to be told that I’m rude and don’t give a shit about other people, although there may be some truth in that one. I was pretty indifferent to the feelings of people who were deliberately cruel to me.

It hurts to be told that I’m not wanted in a community that I’ve actively been a part of for a long time and it hurts to be rejected by that community.

Unfortunately even well intentioned comments hurt sometimes. It hurts to be told that I should get counseling, as if in all my years of struggling with mental illness, it has never occurred to me to do that, as if I haven’t sought counseling in many different forms from many different therapists.

It hurts when a friend tells me that she’s cutting off contact with me, even when I know she’s doing it for my own good. It hurts when another friend assures me that she’ll never ditch me and will always be my friend, then ditches me about two weeks later. To add insult to injury the reason she ditches me is because she has decided to betray me by twisting and cherry picking information I shared with her privately in order to get another friend of mine in trouble. Of course the information she shares just opens the door for people to make even more nasty comments about me.

Another dig that was made at me at one point was that my lack of self awareness was astonishing. Anyone who has the nerve to call me a psycho stalker for Googling the name of a proven liar to find more information about them when they Googled the names of me and my family members to try to give credence to their own crackpot theories about me has an astonishing lack of self  awareness themselves.

I think I’m an unfortunate combination of ridiculously sensitive and foolishly thick skinned. I get very hurt by mean comments about me but instead of running away from those mean comments I keep coming back for more. I struggle with low self esteem so it’s hard not to see those negative comments and being banned from that forum as a reflection of my self worth. I just try to remind myself  that some of those popular, well respected members who made nasty comments about me have had nasty comments made about them elsewhere on the internet and that some of them have been banned from other forums. I have to remember that being popular doesn’t make those people right.

I try to cope with all the mean comments that have been made about me by pretending that I’m a celebrity. If I were a celebrity there would be a million  nasty comments made about me all over the internet every single day. It would be impossible for me to keep up with all of them and seeking them out would be a waste of my time and energy. Besides, as a therapist of mine once said, what other people think of you is none of your business.

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Words can hurt me

  1. This all sounds very unpleasant 😦 I’m afraid that generally us NTs, even those of us that are either better informed or mean well, can still come across as being arseholes sometimes. you write well btw

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  2. It sounds like you are living in a very toxic environment, regardless of what is used as an excuse or not. I’ve heard these concerns before and faced some myself. You are not surrounded by helpful people. And, the best you can do is to keep taking deep breaths and believe there is a way out of this mess.

    Think of yourself as a football player holding the ball as a mob of angry opponents is charging at you. And, without sneering or mocking anyone, you take a deep breath, hold onto that ball and skirt out of harm’s way. Or, you pick your way out of the pile.

    One tidbit I’ve adopted (and struggle to uphold): When people say you think too much, just say, “I think more than you do. But, never too much.” It’s like having a different metabolism. Hopefully, one day you and I can live without everything being a disease and disorder.

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