Yesterday’s blog post was devoted to my love of reading. Today’s blog post will be devoted to another love of mine-baby names! Just like I go over lists of books I’ve read in my head, I also go over lists of celebrity baby names in my head. A kind blogger referred to me as a sad sack who lives in her mama’s basement with an encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity baby names. She said that if that was the only thing she could think to do with her brain she would blow it out. She went on to refer to me as a pedophile who posted 50 times a day. She said the forum I posted on was stupid for keeping me around because if they did their research they’d discover that I was a pedophile.
First of all, I may be a sad sack but if you read my first blog you’ll know that I do not live in the basement. I am fortunate enough to have my own room on the top floor. I guess that makes me a spoiled, ungrateful brat, as another person who commented referred to me as. Second of all, I’ll admit that compiling celebrity baby names is not the best use of one’s brain but if there’s ever a celebrity baby names category on Jeopardy I will kill that category. Seriously, give me the name of any celebrity and I can give you the first and middle names of all their children. Third of all I may have posted 50 times a day but I am not a pedophile. That forum did eventually get rid of me and they did some research on me but they found nothing that suggested I was a pedophile.
Let’s move away from the topic of pedophilia now and on to the actual topic of this post, baby names. Since being banned from that forum, I’ve missed snarking on bad baby names there but now I can snark on baby names on this blog.
The first target of my snark is celebrity chef Jamie Oliver. Jamie Oliver, you are an asshole, not just because of the names you give to your children but because of the way you go about revealing those names. Your last sprog was born two weeks ago but we didn’t find out his name until yesterday. You didn’t reveal his name by just announcing what it was but by dropping coy hints about it. Yesterday your wife posted a sign from your son’s nursery that said Dream Big River. The sign’s appalling lack of punctuation initially led people to believe that the baby might actually be named Dream Big River but the posting of the rocket emoji, followed by a blue heart emoji led people to believe his name is in fact River Rocket Blue. We don’t know for sure what his name is because you’re being so vague about it but I’m just going to assume it’s River Rocket Blue because I can’t handle wondering what his name is for any longer.
There are people saying that River is a bad, bad name but I’m going to defend you on that one, Jamie. I saw a comment along the lines of “If it’s okay to name your kid River why not Stream or Tributary? ” I’d assume it’s for the same reason it’s fine to name your kid Rose, Violet or Lily but naming your kid Rhododendron, Hibiscus or Forget Me Not would be a bad idea. I would not name a kid Stream or Tributary but I would consider River, Lake or Ocean. I just like the sounds of those names, not that liking the sound of a word is a good enough reason to use it as a name. I would never recommend naming your kid Chlamydia no matter how pretty it sounds but River has positive associations or at least associations that are not overwhelmingly negative.
I think it’s better to name your kid after a body of water than after a creature that dwells in a body of water. I’m looking at you, Zooey Deschanel. I do like otters but I don’t think Otter sounds or looks very nice as a name. It is a middle name but combined with the first name Elsie it sounds like a feeble attempt to speak Spanish. Zooey Deschanel’s kid’s name does not irritate me as much as her own name does though. Zooey is truly an abomination and pronouncing it like Zoe makes no sense phonetically.
On to the latest Oliver sprog’s middle names-Rocket and Blue. Many people will say that Rocket and Blue are very stupid names. I do think Rocket is a stupid name and I think Blue would be stupid as a first name but I don’t mind it as a middle name. The problem here, Jamie, is that you chose a name that’s bad but not quite bad enough. On the surface River Rocket Blue seems like a very daring and unusual name but anyone who keeps track of celebrity baby names will know that River Rocket Blue is downright boring for a celebrity baby. I can think of so many celebrity babies that have River, Rocket or Blue as a first or middle name.
I don’t think River Rocket Blue quite fits in with the sibling names of Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Petal Blossom Rainbow or Buddy Bear Maurice either. Yes, I would expect River Rocket Blue to put flowers in his hair, do drugs, wear tie dye shirts and feel connected with spirit animals but unlike his siblings I wouldn’t expect him to literally be a flower, a drug, a tie dye shirt or a stuffed animal.
Moving on to another celebrity, rapper DMX recently welcomed his 15th child, a son named Exodus. Unfortunately I can only find the names of four of his other children-Shawn, Xavier, Tocoma and Praise Mary Ella. I feel a bit silly criticizing his baby names when the real issue is that he has 15 children and is a deadbeat dad but I’m going to criticize his baby names anyway.
I’m sure every woman who has a full term pregnancy is happy when their child makes an exodus from their womb but that’s not a reason to name the kid Exodus. Xavier is actually a nice name so good job there. I’m willing to excuse Shawn, despite the incorrect spelling. I will not however excuse Tocoma. If you’re going to name your kid after a random city/model of car, you need to at least spell it right. It’s fine to praise your daughter, Mary Ella. It is not fine to name your daughter Praise Mary Ella.
A naming blog I follow announced the birth of Saffy Isabel Lynda, sister to Tillie and Texas. It was explained that Isabel was chosen so she could share a name with her sister, who also has the middle name of Isabel and Lynda is after a family member who passed away but I’m left wondering where the hell Saffy comes from. I suppose it could be a nickname for Saffron or Sapphire. Saffron and Sapphire are pretty questionable as names but I can see the appeal of them. I do not see the appeal of Saffy.
The blog I saw it on described Saffy as being pretty and sweet. This blogger finds Saffy to be the opposite of pretty. I guess I could see why it would be considered sweet though because it reminds me of taffy and taffy is sweet. However, it also reminds me of sassy and if you’re sassy you’re probably not sweet.
Things could have turned out worse for little Saffy though. One of the boy names her parents were considering was Rowdy. Someone suggested Saffy Honeysuckle Lynda. That’s a sex worker name if ever there was one.
As for Saffy’s siblings, I don’t like Tillie because it’s a cutesy nickname being used as a full name but cutesy nicknames being used as full names are just a fact of life these days. As for their brother’s name, their parents have 50 U.S. states to choose from and Texas is the name they settle on? This is an Australian blog so I’m not sure if these parents have ever been to Texas. To be fair I’ve never been to Texas either but I saw what Texas did to my brother. My brother used to be a normal person or at least as normal as anyone in my family gets. Then he moved to Texas and became a gun loving, cowboy hat wearing Trump supporter.
*I feel like I need to add a a disclaimer in case little Saffy’s parents google her name and are horribly offended by what I said. I am not making fun of your baby, I am making fun of your baby’s name. I congratulate you on the birth of your baby and I wish you and your family all the best. I have not named any babies myself but some of my favorite names are Mariah, Rhiannon and Silas. Feel free to make fun of those names. I won’t take it personally. I do know what it’s like to be hurt by comments made about you online. I was very hurt by the comments I mentioned at the beginning of this blog entry.